Seira sat staring at the nineteen days of exchanges with YUICA still saved on her phone.
Beneath the quiet in her words, feelings that never quite made it into language were churning.
Someone pressing herself down somewhere inside, and still trying to move forward as "YUICA." That was what the writing sounded like.
I was the same.
At some point, being "Seira Hououin" had become the everyday.
Lean on no one, show no one what you really think, keep standing in the armor of a character.
They wanted perfection, and every time she delivered it, the real her drifted a little further off.
What she actually wanted was to talk to somebody as herself.
Not the character, not the production. Just me.
That day, the first time she saw YUICA through a stream.
The bare, unarmored words that came out of her shook something at the bottom of Seira.
Before she noticed, she couldn't take her eyes off the other side of the screen.
Seira's recollection.
[Twenty days earlier, 10:00 a.m. — Seira's apartment]
She hadn't set an alarm, but that day she woke to the sound of phone notifications.
Forty-seven unread messages already on the screen.
Re: scheduling for the corporate sponsorship (URGENT)
Revision request, new single MV
Regarding the magazine interview (reply needed ASAP)
Draft statement on the backlash, needed today
Regarding the collab project
Re: fan meeting preparations
This was supposed to be her first completely free day in ages.
"...Is it spoiled of me to want one single day where nobody needs me?"
But her hand reached for the phone anyway. If she didn't answer, it would put everyone out.
She replied to them one at a time, carefully. Businesslike prose for the sponsors, dignified answers for the magazine, messages overflowing with affection for the fans.
Every one of them demanded a flawless response from "Seira Hououin."
By the time she'd worked through them one by one, it was noon.
[1:00 p.m. — Galactic Opera Fleet group chat]
Her private phone started going off.
Luna: Captaaain! I have a love problem to consult you about!
Amane: Data analysis for the next stream's format is complete. Please review.
Kohaku: Captaaain~! I had a fight with my family~ heeelp~
Seira sighed.
They all rely on her. That's something to be grateful for.
But I'm an ordinary human being too, you know.
"And my problems... who am I supposed to take those to?"
She's the leader. She has to be perfect.
If she let out one word of complaint, it would shock all of them.
By the time she'd written a precise reply to every one, it was two in the afternoon.
Seira went back to the aquarium and looked at her medaka.
[3:00 p.m. — recording studio (emergency call-in)]
"Sorry to drag you in on short notice, Captain."
Her manager said it apologetically.
"On your day off, no less. Are you all right?"
"I'm fine. What's up?"
"We'd like you to revise the lyrics for the new single..."
Seira took the lyric sheet.
"I, the absolute sovereign of the galaxy"
"Every star bows down before me"
"My voice resounds to the edge of the universe"
Line after line of majestic language.
"...Can I really sing lyrics like this?"
But this was the "Seira Hououin" the fans expected.
She stepped into the booth and stood at the mic.
"All right. Take one, whenever you're ready."
The track started.
"I, the absolute sovereign of the galaxyyy ♪"
As she sang, Seira thought:
Nobody knows what my real singing voice sounds like anymore, do they.
I wish there were a song where I got to sing "I'm home."
[Just past 8:00 p.m. — home]
She finished recording and came home to the wide living room of an expensive apartment, hushed and still.
She stepped inside without turning on the lights. At the far end of the living room, only the aquarium glowed faintly.
As if it were saying "welcome home."
The sight tightened something in Seira's chest every time.
Materially, she wanted for nothing. Spiritually, it was as dry as a desert.
Without touching the lights, Seira sat down in front of the tank.
In the dark, the only thing lit by warm light was the medaka, swimming.
"Good work again today, everyone."
This moment was the only one in which Seira could rest.
"Today I sang a song called 'Absolute Sovereign of the Galaxy.'"
Ginga, one of the medaka, drifted slowly closer.
"But what I really want is a song where somebody says 'welcome home' to me."
"A song about having a place where you can say 'I'm home.'"
Seira's voice shook a little.
"But I can't say anything that weak out loud, can I."
Inside the hundred-centimeter tank, medaka of every color drifted lazily.
"You're lively again today, Ginga."
She was speaking to the biggest one, the silver one.
"Seira, you're looking a bit round again today. Am I overfeeding you?"
A small pinkish one was swimming near the surface.
"Luna's as full of energy as ever. And Amane's cool as always."
Last, she looked at the smallest one, the yellow one.
"And Koharu's going at her own pace, same as always."
Seira's face was gentle in a way it never was on stream.
"Do you all call me 'Seira'? Or 'Captain'?"
The medaka didn't answer. They just went on swimming quietly.
"Must be nice... being you. Nobody minds if you don't answer."
She pinched up a little food and dropped it on the water.
The medaka gathered.
That was when Seira's eyes went to the tablet on the desk.
She'd fallen into the habit of idly checking the VTuber trends.
What came up on the screen was a VTuber she didn't recognize, an avatar with pink hair.
[DIE PIG] YUICA♡ Roasts Her Own Listeners [HILARIOUS]
"...Who is this girl?"
Oddly curious, she played the video.
"Say I love you? What part of you deserves that?"
"Excuse me? You disgust me!"
The voice coming out of the screen startled Seira.
"Just die, you pig!"
"Wait... what is this girl doing, to her own listeners..."
Out of pure curiosity she worked through a pile of the clips.
"I see... she's interesting, this one."
Before she knew it, Seira had dropped into YUICA's live stream.
YUICA's life advice segment had already started.
She took serious problems and answered them straight, holding nothing back. There was no calculation in it, no staging, nothing.
She was simply, purely angry.
And she meant every word of encouragement.
"She's completely naked..."
Something hot rose in Seira's chest.
The YUICA on that screen had everything Seira had lost.
Natural emotion. Honest reactions. A relationship with her listeners with nothing held back.
Watching it hurt.
"When did I forget what this feels like?"
YUICA's stream kept heating up.
The viewer count was exploding.
And all of it was effortless.
"Maybe I'm a little jealous..."
Seira murmured it at the screen.
"Honestly... I'd like to bring you a problem myself."
Before she realized it, Seira had reached for the keyboard.
She opened the Super Chat window. Entered an amount. Ten thousand yen.
Her fingers stopped over the message field.
Damn it. What do I write?
Should she do it as the dignified Captain, making the gap in class obvious?
Or...
Her fingers moved on their own.
There's a junior roast-style VTuber who's getting full of herself and it's a problem.
Seira surprised herself.
Why would I write that...
But she'd already hit send.
On screen, YUICA♡ reacted.
"Um... Ms. Hououin? Is this problem of yours a dig at me?"
No. That's not it. I want to, with you—
In that instant something burst inside Seira.
Oh.
I want to talk to this girl.
As equals. No setting, no lore.
As myself.
"Greetings, tiny people of Earth. Shall we look down upon you from the summit of the galaxy again today?"
But in the end she answered in the usual character.
Because it was the only way she knew.
Strip out the whole setting.
Real voice, real words.
She just wanted to talk to this girl. That was all she'd thought—
And this is what came out instead.
Bloop, bloop, bloop ♪
The chime for a comment from someone she'd flagged VIP brought Seira back to herself.
The poster: "Mob Soldier 007."
A heavy listener who had been cheering her on for all five years since her debut.
thank you for being alive again today. i'm cheering for you on the days you do nothing too, Captain
Tears came to Seira's eyes.
"You're right. Everyone... everyone's holding me up."
"For five years straight."
And yet, she thought.
"All I've done is keep meeting everyone's expectations..."
"Has anyone ever loved the real me?"
Seira put the phone away and looked up at the ceiling.
"YUICA♡ gets loved exactly as she is."
"I envy her... that girl."
She glanced around the room.
In the tank, lit only by its night light, the medaka swam quietly.
The medaka Seira rose toward the surface.
As if she were worried about her.
Looking at the fish in the tank that carried her own name, Seira went on.
"If I fight that girl... could I get free too?"
"Throw off the 'Seira Hououin' I've spent five years building..."
"I want to fight as myself. Just once."
The medaka kept swimming quietly.
Seira laid a finger softly against the glass.
"But I'm scared."
"If I show them the real me and they're disappointed..."
"If four million two hundred thousand people walk away..."
The medaka Seira came up to her fingertip.
As if to say, "it's all right."
"Thank you, Seira."
"You're the one who'll take me whichever version I am."
That night Seira fell asleep in front of the tank.
Morning. Her neck hurt.
But somehow her heart felt light.
She checked her phone. Another pile of notifications.
This morning, though, it felt like she could answer them in a better frame of mind than usual.
"Good morning, everyone."
The medaka gathered at the surface as if begging for breakfast.
"Today's a big day, so watch over me properly, okay?"
As she fed them, Seira made up her mind.
Yes. Tonight she fights YUICA♡.
"As Seira Hououin... no."
Seira looked at the medaka Seira.
"Tonight, I think I'll try fighting naked too."
With the medaka swimming quietly on, Seira met a new day.
The first day in five years she could fight as herself.
(To be continued)